Why I am still afraid of my teachers
Published: Tue, 05/08/18
Sorry I have been a bit quiet for the past couple of weeks. I did actually write quite a bit last week. Two thousand words for an article on Stav which I was asked to contribute to an online magazine. (I will let you know if anything comes of that). I also prepared a talk, for a camp I was asked to speak at in Lincolnshire on Saturday afternoon. Topic was, From Myth, to Legend, to History, with a particular reference to Norse mythology and the story of Stav and the Hafskjolds. The four people who were interested enjoyed it anyway. It also enabled me to explore a theme which is worth devekoping further. The borders between history, legend and myth can be surprisingly vague.
I also wrote, what I thought was going to be the first module, of the second distance learning programme. This programme is going to be concerned with personal protection. I can’t teach martial arts through a distance learning programme. But I hope that I can share some ideas and concepts to do with self-defence. Most self-defence is achieved by awareness, and thinking about situations before you act foolishly, or walk into danger. The real purpose of the programme is to get you thinking about yourself, and the world you live in, and just being sensible.
I thought that I had written just the first module, but it came out at over 4000 words. When I looked again, I realised that I had in fact written the first three modules in one. So I am now in the process of breaking them down so that the actual first module can go out very soon. The first module will discuss what violence is, and how to recognise the three types of violence which can occur. I also emphasise that something identified, is something avoidable. I had also included a lot about fear, and dealt with the issue of awareness. Each of these topics will now have their own module. I will cover fear in the second module, and awareness in the third.
When I embarked on the Foundation Programme I had no idea where it would lead. I am in a similar situation with the Self-Protection programme, I am not even quite sure what to call it. The working title is the ‘Martial Programme’ but that may give the wrong impression. I probably won’t really know what to call it until the trial is completed.
I am also aware that the programme is running behind schedule. I will not now have finished the trial before the middle of the year. I guess it won’t have to matter, but writing about fear did make me reflect on what is holding me up. Fear affects us in so many ways. There is the intellectual assessment of risk which can be quite a dry academic exercise. Then there is the immediate experience of real danger, and the massive adrenalin dump that creates major physiological changes. There is also the paradox, in that we cannot really assess risk, unless actual crises have happened, and been reflected upon. All of which is sane and rational, but what really affects our lives is trauma and anxiety.
Trauma being the painful experiences we carry in our memory. Anxiety, being the dangers we imagine for the future. What is the real reason I have problems writing as much as I could? On reflection I realise that I have not let go of the trauma of being dyslexic at school in the 1960s and 1970s. It is pretty much impossible for me to write anything, without imagining a teacher saying.
‘I don’t care what you are trying to say, I am not interested in that, all you need to do is spell the words correctly.’
I would like to anticipate that whatever I write might have some benefit for those who read it. However, first I have to overcome the anxiety, that all I am doing is inviting criticism. Criticism is good, when it develops an argument, and points up errors and possible improvements, to my work. I welcome that kind of response. On the other hand, it is pretty stupid, to still be influenced by comments made by ignorant (if well meaning) teachers nearly half a century ago. Fear is experienced for many different reasons, and we may not even realise that the unconcious mind is creating an experience now, which is actually based on an almost forgotten past, as well as projecting into an imaginary future.
We all have things we would like to do, but somehow never quite get around to them. These maybe things that would bring us great benefit in relationships, health and well-being, financially etc. But something holds us back, and we blame circumstances, or luck, or just say the time is not right. Or it might be worth looking at old fears and seeing how they are affecting us now.
If you are a member of Ice and Fire, you will be receiving the first module of the new programme very soon. If you not a member but would like to help me trial it, then please see https://iceandfire.org.uk/martial01.html
regards
Graham
PS Of course there is no substitute for actual, physical, martial arts training. Next Saturday training will be on the 19th of May in Beverley https://iceandfire.org.uk/train.html
Don’t forget the HEMA Diversity Camp on the 9th and 10th of June. Allen Reed has booked his tickets and will be flying over from the USA to teach at this event, as well as Fox, Milo and myself just 4 places left http://www.hdc.stavcamp.org/