Needing my staff
Published: Mon, 05/18/15
My back failed on my on Friday. It happens about once a year, not usually more often than that. I felt a slight twinge in my lower back before I had even got out of bed on Friday morning. I got steadily less mobile through the morning as the pain built up and my energy drained away. By Friday afternoon I was more or less bed ridden and even today I can only move around with a stick. (At least I can use a stick, who said Stav isn’t practical in the modern world?)
So I am pretty much immobilised yet there is nothing really wrong with me. Yes, I have done a lot of quite heavy manual work, but I do that most of the time with no ill effects at all. Same with training. If someone of my age who had been sedentary for the past 30 years attempted my typical week of work and training then it would not be surprising if they ended up in a bad way. But this is exactly what I am used to.
I was preaching yesterday morning and got through the service okay, albeit with the help of my walking stick. Nothing wrong with my voice. Of course afterwards a lot of people wanted to know what I had done to myself. Had I done something working? Had I hurt myself training? I had to answer that as far as I know the problem is pretty much psychosomatic in that my (hopefully) temporary disability is a message from my sub-conscious to slow down and take a rest because I have been tiring myself out working to hard. There is some truth in that as far as it goes. However, I think there is more to it than that.
I am good at doing practical things, activity is good for me. However, just because one is good at something does not mean that there is not a process of displacement going on. Displacement activity is a way of avoiding doing something that deep down we are afraid of. I certainly have a tendency to avoid writing because I am afraid of the process for all kinds of reasons. At the moment, I am trying to finish the Ice and Fire members newsletter, it was supposed to be ready for the end of April but I managed to displace that. Also, nearly ready to go is a new autoresponder sequence which will be a 24 day introduction to the Younger Futhork. This sequence has been nearly ready to go for quite a while. There is a kind of Schrodinger Cat process going on (explained here ) where, while the box is not open there is the possibility the cat is dead, but there is also the comforting possibility that the animal may still be alive. Opening
the box settles the issue either way. It is the same with a project that matters too much to us. When it is almost in place but not actually launched the project has the possibility of being successful. Yet at the same time the venture has not yet failed. Of course you can’t leave the cat in the box for ever or its death is certain. Just as a project is a failure by definition if it is never actually activated in some way.
So of course I could be deluding myself but I think it is very likely that my higher self is disabling me physically so that I am forced to focus mentally. So I guess it is fairly clear what I need to do. I had better get it sorted out soon, classes to teach tonight and tomorrow, a seminar in Sweden this weekend and a seminar in Salisbury on the 30th.
regards
Graham
PS Since I wrote this this afternoon I have taught a class and managed okay. I have also been asked to do some heavy manual work tomorrow morning, so I had better be recovered.